losing what--

noting that by the varied methods of measurement one has Naught to show for all-thus-far;

and said realization nagging, persistent kick;

and your own defense for what-you-do beginning to break down, becoming no longer valid within the private limit of your own reckoning (and this was your only secure holding, this precarious thread);

and all again heading (limping) toward the Old Inevitable;

motivated by failure, by debt;

and it's all rather tiresome;

and those last little sparks are going out.